This week I grieved. We have many reasons to celebrate and I want to engage fully in the weekend ahead and yet sorrow kept welling up. So I let myself experience the grief.
Grief is a sneaky emotion. It doesn’t really follow the rules and is prone to invade at the worst possible moments. This feeling I kept stuffing down was going to hijack me at some point and so I allowed it to rise to the surface and I let it wash over me.
My son is getting married this weekend! I am excited for him and for his bride-to-be! We have enjoyed getting to know her and her family and I see happiness in their future. The plans are made and we will join together and witness their vows and wish them all the best as they set out on the adventure of a lifetime… husband and wife!
So why grief?
Covid-19 (resist the urge to spit when you say it) has stolen some of the celebration! I said I was fine with a small wedding and I thought it would be okay… and it is… but…
I want to be surrounded by my whole tribe as we celebrate! I want all the people who are a part of my son’s life to be there. I want all my family; aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and more. I want the Other Mothers and our community of friends. I want my daughter from Japan here. I want to meet all of the bride’s family and friends and see their friends from camp party with them. I want everyone to feel the joy and revel in the moment.
But we can’t…
So I mourn the people who can’t be there with us. I grieve that they don’t get to be present in person and pray the technology works so they can watch. I am sad for them and the barriers that keep them from being a part of this. I know we all want a reason to celebrate. It’s been a tough year.
I let myself experience the grief. I cried. I listed the things that were heavy on my heart and poured them out to my heavenly Father.
The circumstances have not changed but the peace has settled in and the excitement can now build unhindered by the weight of sorrow. There is still a global pandemic that dictates we keep it small. But the joy can be humongous! Covid cannot restrict it’s size. So this weekend we will celebrate new beginnings, young love and hope for the future.
I choose joy
In the midst of the mess